Being a Superhero Trash

Superpowers, immortality, fighting skills, public acceptance, women. These are all things every superhero should enjoy right? As a kid I thought that being a superhero could possibly be the greatest job to ever exist in the history of employment. With time, I learned that with the exception of very few, that taxing life of saving the world before it collapses on multiple occasions is one that I would not want the task of doing. What I’m trying to say is; being a superhero after you take the mask off is a very trash existence.

Let’s look at the facts here people. These guys live in poverty. Matt Murdoch is a blind lawyer that takes on terrible clients, Captain America is unemployed, and Peter Parker is a freelancing photographer. These guys get paid dick. Often living in shitty housing projects, or one-bedroom studio apartments in New York City (which often means you live in a closet). While being some of the strongest beings on the planet, their morality is keeping them in the tax bracket of voting for Bernie Sanders in hopes of taking back everything from the 1% of the population that controls everything. I’m not a superhero and I’m one bad day away from being Frank Castle and letting the choppa sing in a public place. Why would anybody want the responsibility of risking their lives and knowing you’re going to be in debt for the remainder of the rest of your life? Wait did I just describe going to college?

These guys don’t get any women. Like none at all. I’ve always heard of the “Nice guys finish last” creed, but it’s beyond ridiculous what happens when Peter Parker tries to dance in gothic attire down the street. These women are disgusted by his presence. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS EMO GOTH DID FOR YOU AND YOUR CITY? Not to mention that the women they are madly in love with always seem to get caught in the worst situations known to man. What guy wants to be with a dumb ass woman who doesn’t know how to stay out of harm’s way? These women get captured on a weekly basis by their boyfriend’s arch nemesis, and then complain about them never being at home. It’s one of the biggest conundrums known to man.

Don’t even get me started on the public outcry when collateral damage occurs. I just saw Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and it was ridiculous how much people were pissed at this guy who…I don’t know…just saved the world from total annihilation. General Zod came to earth to turn it into another planet. The plan including changing our atmosphere to match that of Krypton’s which would result in a global extinction. You know what happened in the follow up movie? People were bitching about this hero causing damage that may have killed a few million. Now the last time I checked, 3 billion > 1 million. Firstly, I don’t live in Metropolis because I’m a struggling black man who doesn’t have a job. Secondly, I don’t live in Gotham because that city crawling with crocodiles and freaks dressed like clowns. I live far away from the damage so I’m fine with Kal-El trading a few million lives for mine. Thank you Kal.

You guys are so gotdamn ungrateful. These people risk their lives daily for no pay. No pay at all! They can’t even get a fruit basket. Some of them have lost family members and children among other things. You guys sit and critique their actions after they stop a 50-foot sand monster from punching you in the face and getting sand in your shoes. What would happen if these guys turned their cape in and decided “This shit isn’t even worth it anymore”? Next time you decided to do something heroic don’t. You won’t be rewarded with praise or a day in the honor of your name. You’ll be publicly criticized and made into a pariah. All because being a superhero is TRASH.

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